xGames: Jones Soda Co.

Zac & Conor Head To Portland

Yesterday the Jones crew (Zac and Conor) hopped in our sweet ass flame van and cruised from Seattle to Portland to catch some local skating, eat some good seafood, and catch the Blazers Suns game at the Rose Garden.

We pulled up ol’ Lenny (flame van) and hit up Portland’s renowned Burnside skate park. Burnside is a national skate monument and a solid level in the original Tony Hawk Pro Skater. Forget ESPN 1-8, the real skating goes down in parks like this by local rounders. We even caught the beginning of a little canine skating that would give Rob Dyrdek’s Meaty a run for his money.

After tossing sodas to PO-Town’s finest we cruised over to a legendary local seafood spot Dan and Louis Oyster Bar. This place was founded in 1907 and evidently decorated the same year.

But they definitely were on top of their seafood game. After a Cajun Oyster Sandwich and a carton of Tums it was off to the Rose Garden to see the Blazers battling for a higher playoff spot taking on The Big Cactus AKA Shaqzilla and the Suns.

We set up inside and started slangin soda. Between us and the Yeti head to toe in Blazer paint, we were the hottest attraction at the Rose Garden. We even saw a mother wash down her “medication” with a Jones Berry Lemonade. Before halftime had come we had given every last Jones item away including the bandanna out of Zac’s back pocket and the hat on my head. We enjoyed a sweet Blazers victory and hit the road. Another city visited, another city filled with sugar high kids and parents…well done Jones.

The Future is Here

Mitchie and Sky Have Arrived

Jones is a young company. Few people at Jones have been here more than 3 years, a select few have been here 5+. Two of those people are Mitchie Brusco (7 years) and Sky Siljeg (9 years). The catch is that Mitchie is 12 and Sky is 14. Yes you heard that right, these little hellions have been gleaming the cube for Jones since the expression “gleaming the cube” still made sense.

Mitchie most recently has been selected to be part of Disney Channel and Fuel TV’s Next X program. Out of a pool of 1,000 Mitchie was selected along with 2 other kids as the next up and coming extreme athlete superstar. Mitchie will get a chance to ride with some of the biggest names in the industry and get a chance to showcase his skills. Mitchie has also been skying ramps 4 times and crushing skaters twice his age. Check out Mitchie’s arsenal of tricks.

Up next Sky Siljeg. This kid, shall I say man-child, has been dominating the pro bowl cup so far this year. Already ranked 6th in the nation, I’ll say again, 6TH IN THE NATION, in bowl riding. He is currently on tour right now with the Vans bus, but other than that you can see him catching a line at Stevens Pass when he’s not shredding pavement or on his spot on Fuel TV coming up later next month. Check him out.

http://www.jonessoda.com/files/am_athletes.php

Jones Hits up SXSW

Jones hit up Austin Texas’ Music and Film Festival South by Southwest last weekend for the second year running. SXSW, better summed up as Mardi Gras II, is a cacophony of youngsters flooding Austin’s 6th street downtown, hopping in and out of venues and bars listening to the hundreds of bands that come to this musical summit every year. Well this year we specifically sponsored the event, Mess With Texas, created by comedian David Cross.

In proper Jones form we barreled the RV into Austin and found a spot to post up right behind the stage of Mess With Texas. As the masses rolled in we tossed them free shirts, soda, Jones Gaba, and pretty much anything else that would detach from the RV. In between bands Keith Morris from The Circle Jerks came into the Jones RV to chill out before the show and prepare his set list.

Once the show got fully under way we posted up on top of the RV much like in a Zombie crisis scenario and had our socks rocked off by the Black Lips, Kid sister, Japanther, Shrines, and many more.

This year was quick and crazy but check out the sights and sounds from last year.

Ode to St. Patty’s Day

Many people congregate in their local pubs every March 17th, dusting off their scarves, kilts (in my case grass skirt) and grabbing a pint with the lads. But if you ask around as to what the significance of St. Patrick’s Day actually is, most people wouldn’t have the faintest idea...and probably don’t care. But since we have a blog we’re going to tell you anyways clowns. How bout this for a zinger, did you know St. Patrick was not just one man?

Long, long ago in the before time, there was constant turmoil in the olde land. Almost all of Ireland was ruled by the evil vane Capt. C. Crest.

This greedy little man worked day and night taxing everything off of the hard working countrymen of Ireland. All except one tiny little hill town called Kelworth. You see Kelworth was tucked away in the Castlea hills. Ancient lore tells of brave men possible immortal men living amongst this hidden village only appearing in times of dire need.

When C. Crest heard of this “so called” hidden village that he was not on the take in he flipped. Even though C. Crest was little in stature and always garishly dressed people feared him. There is something that raises the hairs on even the burliest man’s neck about a man with no soul. The Captain ordered his army of minions, hypnotized by his notoriously white teeth, into the hills of Castlea to collect his taxes.

The next morning the army left for Kelworth. They didn’t arrive at the foot of the hills until nearly sun down. As they marched into the hills side a strange cold fog began moving quickly over the earth. The army drew their swords but standing to the north, atop the hill was the biggest silhouette any man had every seen.

It was St. Patrick Ewing, the Patron Saint of Swat. A legend of Irish folklore no member of the army believed him to be real. They fired their catapult and hurled a boulder towards him. St. Patrick Ewing Leaped like an Irish gazelle and smacked that boulder all the way to Belfast.

Suddenly the army realized there were men standing in every direction of them, North, South, East, and West.

Patron Saint of Wits, St. Patrick Stewart.

Patron Saint of Sexiness, St. Patrick Dempsey

Patron Saint of Awesomeness, St. Patrick Swayze

The men knew they were surrounded and started to panic, each saint raised a differently encrypted medallion straight over their head and the entire sky turned hot white. When the sky retuned to it’s normal shade of gray the country side was green and vacant. No villager ever heard again from Capt. C. Crest or any of his disciples. To this day we still celebrate every March 17th to remember the day our beloved St Patrick’s saved us from the tyranny of Capt. C. Crest. Or at least that’s what my dad told me.

Celebratives II

Being a celebrity is no accident. Like being able to fold your tongue into a soft taco, or your web feet, there’s a gene for everything, even fame! Occasionally one’s who do not possess this coveted gene find their way to the limelight, but usually they are exposed:

The funny thing though is the celebrity gene is very rare so you’ll tend to find that many celebrities are related due to the small gene pool. Now we all know the famous examples like the Baldwins, Afflecks, Cusacks, and Gyllenhaals, but there are always those tricky name changers who confuse us. Like Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen or Angelina Jolie and John Voight. So to end all confusion Jones analysts have dug up some of the really tricky siblings. So here they are again:

More celebratives to unlock soon......

Cory’s Photoshop Time!

Here at Jones Soda we are a tight nit group of people. Spending 80% of your life within this wacky warehouse you really get to know the people around you. After awhile it’s hard to remember life without them or what we even did before we came to this place. So this morning I dug around to see what some of our employees did prior to working at Jones Soda.

Rob McCormack actually worked for the competitor selling delicious sugar Ice Drinks for Mr. Cool Ice. Apparently the same type of family atmosphere we have at Jones was going on at Mr. Cool Ice. I guess he never thought he was going to leave.

Then there is our beloved Steve Capuro. It turns out he used to be somewhat of thespian on some fancy space show. I guess he was actually quite talented but there was some sort of controversy between him and another person on the set of Battle Sector 17 and the whole show got canceled. But out of routine Steve still periodically shows up to work in his form fitting one-zy.

Gaba Daba

Doooo

Hey kids lets talk Gaba. I know what you’re thinking, so far this article is ridiculously captivating but just wait. Gaba Gah-ba, the active ingredient in Jones Gaba (weird), occurs naturally in your brain creating alpha brain waves which induce focus, clarity and keep your mind clouded from the dark side.

What is Jones Gaba you ask? Well Andy, Jones Gaba is a Tea/Juice containing no caffeine. It’s all natural and refreshingly delicious. I know, All this Gaba talk is probably getting your brain all hot and steamy huh, well picture baseball for a second because the fun doesn’t stop there.

You see Gaba works in magical ways, it’s like Lionel Ritchie for your brain! It calms and focuses you so you can concentrate on the task at hand. Whether you’re a gamer, athlete, nerd, or assassin this is definitely the drink for you. Now Jones Gaba hasn’t hit stores yet but the buzz is buzzing around Jones Headquarters. Most people at Jones are using and the Gaba fad is really catching on!

This product will hit stores around March. With all that focus and clarity flooding the streets, our analysts project our US deficit to be eliminated and Amelia Earhart to be located by the end of June. Until then you’ll just have to wait. Remember kids: Jones Gaba, It’s like beer goggles for your homework!

flex your brain!

Cory’s Photoshop Time!

According to comedian Patton Oswalt, Phil Collins 1985 smash album No Jacket Required is the edgiest CD known to man. Cori our resident photoshop technician clearly also believes this to be true, yet has amended the album cover slightly and some say more attractively (note: that I was the only one who said more attractively). Without further ado, our own Conor Gentes No Jacket Required.

Fairwell Ace-Man

As a somewhat recent college grad, transitioning into the “real world” was a little bit of a shock. Instead of springing out of bed at the crack of noon after promptly responding to my 68th snooze alarm, I was forced to wake up before Price Is Right. This proved to be to my benefit as I experienced something truly awesome in the morning. Instead of the usual Hawaiian shirt toting buffet-head, prank calling local church groups with fart sounds in the background I actually found real humor; it was The Adam Carolla Show.

Like every sexy relationship started I was all about instant gratification with this show, hoping to catch a solid “gay-walking” or a “who the F sells this S” piece before starting the workday. Slowly I realized how much I enjoyed this show and how well I knew Adam Carolla, Teresa Strasser, and Bald Bryan. I was more in touch with their personal lives than some of my friends. Hell, I found out in diary detail how Teresa lost her virginity, her experience with the masturbating burglar, about Brian’s 7th grade male pattern baldness, even his weight battles stemming from being a Jack in the Box food tester. Hell, I’ve been introduced to all of Adam’s family on the air, Pops Carolla, Lynette, Sonny, Natalia, Jay-Jo, Ul-Gai, The Weez, and other Carolla regulars.

So when I heard this was being canceled I was understandably not happy. Where am I going to get my weekly fill of Larry Miller, Dana Ghould, Joel McHale (on radio), Eric Stromer, DAG (P-Nut), call-ins from Jay Mohr (Tracy Morgan, Chris Tucker, and Christopher Walken), and fire hydrant stories from Jim Norton?

So here are my thank you(s) (Sorry T and Bryan for the poor writing)

Bald Bryan Bishop:

What Bryan does with a sound board is what Dale Chihuly does with glass blowing (pre-eye patch). It's an art few posess or understand. His drops are so lighting fast I used to think the show was pre-recorded. The subtleties of a timely “Nerds!”, “Sweet Irony” or “She’s my Cherry Pie” were the icing on an already hilarious cake. Brian perfected his drops mainly on Teresa over the course of the show which all came to one great culmination when the late Isaac Hayes called in. The conversation that ensued though not recreatable supplied listeners with stellar Isaac Hayes commentary from that point on. Mr. Bishop, I hope your Wild West quick draw like skills are utilized at your next job, you will be missed and thank you.

Teresa Strasser:

Easily my favorite female personality in media or Hollywood and even though this statement will offend you, you disprove the myth that there aren’t funny women. I think your group is up to 7 now so keep going strong. You’re my favorite 31 year old and definitely go toe to toe with Adam and are typically quicker to the comedic punch than the majority of the guests. And thank the Jewish Lord “The Dooch” left your show because once that ginger figurine left your game went to a whole new level, very similar to Major League II when Parkman left the Indians causing Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn to remerge as the powerhouse he once was. Teresa you will be missed and thank you.

Adam Carolla:

I know you’ll still have a podcast and probably won’t struggle at all to get yourself a sweet gig somewhere, but not having you ranting about “Chicken S tickets,” Nicole Richie not being hot, how all home security installers are ex-cons, pitching the movie “Rings of Honor,” or being pissed off that Megan Fox is not looking at a twin header engine in Transformers will make me a sad man. Something about your I don’t give an S about you but I really do attitude works on many levels. You actually know what it’s like to work a blue color day, you were a part a big brother program when you were broke, and I believe you legitimately help people. Maybe it’s fixing a doorway in your house, maybe it’s fixing a relationship, or maybe its un-sugar coated honesty that does the trick but I’ve never felt like a part of something like I did listening to the Adam Carolla show. So Adam you will be missed and thank you.

Pour one out for:

This Week in Rage
Blah Blah Blogs
Who the F sell this S
Gay Walking
High Walking
Nerd Walking
Made up movie
Mi Ho
Hule Houser
Music Mondays
Totally Topical Tivo Trivia
Road Trip from LA to Florida
The News
And many others.

Best Guest: Joel McHale

Best Bit: Dana Ghould as Hule Houser “Ladybugs father and son”

Best Interview: Isaac Hayes

Worst Interview: Nick Cage

Made up movie title I wished you’d used: Black Ice (slam dunk for African American figure skater or hockey team)

Most notable line: Good Times

For every Adam Carolla fan out there, this is us saying Mohalo.

Special thanks to Angie, Board Op Bill, Mike (the writer), and I forget the voice over guys name but laugh ever time he says F$@# You CNN.

Billionaire Consumer Reports

Written by: Conor and Good Friend Ben

Everyone wants to come home to a happy fuzzy friend after a long days work. This goes for your neighborly billionaire friends (billies) as well. But unlike Joe the plumber, Jack the Ripper, or OJ the brilliant actor, those billies need something a little extra. Sure your average blue colored man likes to come home to a Labrador, and maybe that crazy movie star millionaire keeps a tiger chained up in his solarium, but none of these concern our billies. These decisions can be tough though. You can’t just consult Space Mall (In flight version of Sky Mall for billies who summer in East Nebula) but good rare pets are going fast as seen here with Bill Gates’ Christmas card sent out last year.

So here are some BCR certified approved ’09 pets!

Warwick Davis

This delectable character is perfect for any household. Hey all you millionaires, have fun in the grotto with all of your rare flamingos and peacocks, when I land on the heli-pad of my personal volcano friggin’ Willow jumps in my arms. Weekends will be a blast!, Hey millies, have fun teaching your Komodo Dragon how to roll over, me and Agent One-Half will be engaged in a non-stop tickle fight! At night when you retire to your anti-gravity sleep chamber, you and WD-40” will peacefully tumble while he nuzzles the back of your ear and recounts the horrors of Jennifer Anniston’s old nose on the set of the Leprechaun. So don’t delay because Warick is a must have for any billies compound!

MSRP starts at $700,000,000 for base package.

Premium Package MSRP: $850,000,000 comes equipped with authentic set costumes for the characters: Glimfeather, Don Alfonso, Nikabrik, Agent One-Half, Wicket, Willow, Fltiwick, and of course the Leprechaun.

Ewoks

You think dogs are a man’s best friend?! Maybe for everyone so lame that they aren’t even BILLIONAIRES, but for anyone who makes Richie Rich look like Tiny Tim, the new trend in pets is owning an ewok. Studies across the board show that retro is coming back in a big way, and ewoks are the definition of retro, because NO pet around comes from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. They bring the same qualities as a trustworthy dog but in the packaging of an intergalactic super spaniel. They’re cuddly, loyal, and they don’t even mind being dressed up in ridiculous costumes that would turn the stomach of any Scotty.

Looking for protection? Ewoks are well-trained in the form of combat that has been passed down through generations of their kind. Their weapons may be a little rudimentary, but c’mon, it’s not like they’ll have to be fighting Imperial Walkers and Storm Troopers (those went out of style millennia ago!) Simple tasks such as protecting the gondolas smelted from pure gold in the moat around your castle can be easily handled by a couple ewoks.

Where do they sleep, you ask? Well who wants to keep a lame dog house out front when you can pay insane amounts of cash to build an intricate tree house community in the one plot of forest you didn’t mow down in favor of your own personal Chucky Cheese and your extended garage and runway for the Delorean you purchased (thanks to the FIRST Billionaire’s Consumer Report).

Finally, what type of maintenance does it take to own ewoks? It’s easy! They take care of their own kind, with their own intricate communication system. Just make sure you have plenty of small critters and raw meat around for them to hunt. You don’t even have to help raise the ewok babies, because they can clearly survive on their own cuteness.

The overall investment of an ewok (or a whole village of them) is highly lucrative. You can sell the clothes they make for each other without having to adhere to today’s silly fair employment laws and ridiculous minimum wage restrictions. Plus the potential for a movie deal is endless!

There are a few things you need to be careful of when considering purchasing ewoks. One is that some people try to pass off modern day animals as ewoks to make a huge profit. Make sure you are buying your ewoks from a certified intergalactic time traveler, or you could be making a huge mistake and paying dearly for it (of course money is no object).

Philanthropist Billionaire Celebrity Relocation Program

Ned Mencia (stage name Carlos Mencia)

I know that everyone loves a well-timed re-occurring racial joke with no comedic ingenuity or authentic material just as much as the next guy, but some civilizations aren’t fortunate enough to know this love. Ned Mencia, most widely known for his unique ability to say “beaner” repeatedly whether in or out of context, could take his act on the road and head to Mars for example. You see the Martians are a quiet robot/people with tremendous dignity, class, as well as possess the ability to transform into American made cars. Enter in stage left Ned, now they will have a leader who can call them all “beaters,” steal their jokes, and star in the hit new show: Hood of Mencia!

So go make a withdrawal out of your money bin and send Ned to Mars…please. Do it because it’s tax deductible…and important.

Jon Bon Jovi

A great donation can be made in the Philanthropist Billionaire Celebrity Relocation Program by sending Jon Bon Jovi to Antarctica. While this may anger all of you who love to take all your dignity and throw it out the window, screaming every lyric in unison and any bar, mixer, kid’s playground or doctor’s office that would have the audacity to play “Livin’ On A Prayer” within its confines, I believe it’s time that something be done by the people who have the money and power to make America a better place.

I mean, look at this guy! How has been taken seriously for so long? Bon Jovi’s Lost Highway Tour grossed more money than ANY tour in 2008 at $210.6 million! How is this possible?

I know the answer. He is tricking America, making them believe that he is the best rocker of all time. He is a liar, and he has the suave, irresistible charm of a man who has nothing to lose if found to be a true criminal of our time and money. In the song, “Wanted Dead or Alive,” he claims to be a cowboy… what kind of cowboy looks like this?!!!

You know, I once ACTUALLY heard someone say, “I just don’t know if it gets better than when Jon Bon Jovi sings ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’! And they MEANT IT! It wasn’t an awesome Office Space joke reference. It was a statement of OPINION!

Have you heard the song, “You Give Love a Bad Name”? In an exclusive interview done by the Billionaire’s Consumer Report journalist Good Friend Ben, Jon Bon Jovi admitted that he recorded that song while looking into a mirror at HIMSELF! Finally some truth America!

So please, someone with the means in these tough times to do what is best for society, PLEASE do the right thing, and call right now. We’re serious. We’ll have Jon Bon Jovi on a plane to Antarctica ASAP, maybe even five minutes ago (depends again on whether a Delorean w/ flux capacitor is available.) And maybe, just maybe, if this can be done, and we keep him in Antarctica forever, we’ll never have to see this photo again.

You know many people don’t know that JJ Abrams’ sexy smash hit show Lost is actually adapted from an old 40’s radio program written by his granpappy AJ Abrams. Far before Hulu was invented, little boys and girls would sit around after a good fireside chat and listen to radio theater. You know like murder mysteries or Everybody Loves Raymond.

One fall the American Broadcasting Company tried out a new show called Lost. We had our research team do some investigating and uncovered the script from the Abrams archive!

Intro: (Breathy Voice) Previously on Lost. Oceanic Flight 815 crashed onto a deserted Island and now it’s passengers and some unexpected guests are searching for some answers.

I’m a doctor. Doc-Ter

Hey what’s that?

Who are those people dude?

What do the numbers mean!?

That's why I always reach for a Dharma Beer! Smooth Evertime!

We must go see Jacob.

Who’s Jacob?

That's weird the Island's gone :(

Didn’t this already happen brutha?

How come everyone else on the island goes by one name but everyone insist on calling you Daniel Farraday even though you’re the only Daniel or the only Farraday? She asked gingerly (get it).

It’s complicated (serious voice).

I learned English in three months and so can you with just 5 easy steps!

One ring to bind them, one ring to rule them all!!!

This wrinkle free skin cream is fanstastic.

It became evident to the production staff that show was more or less an hour long montage with advertisements. It was the opinion of the producers it would be impossible to make a successful show based entirely on keeping their audience in the dark. Apparently disguising cliffhangers for actual structural developments as well as consistently introducing new characters to the show in lieu of filling in plot holes didn't create sensical radio theater.

Well Lucky for JJ Abrams, this structure is gold for TV Baby! So we at Jones will continue watching Lost until we find out why there are polar bears on a tropical island that bounces back and forth in time with smoke monsters, nuclear warheads, and attractive people who can only leave the island if they move it, yet must return or all their lives will be in danger!

Riveting article by Jones enthusiast!

Who’s 2nd Best of the 2nd Hot Chicks?

By: Andy Harrington

Brad Taylor vs. Tori Scott

(Hey Dude) (Saved By The Bell)

We all know that the main hot chicks on “Saved by the Bell,” and “Hey Dude,” were Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Amber Thiessen) and Melody Hanson (Christine Taylor), respectively. They had the looks, and their milk shakes surely did bring all the boys to the yard; or in Melody’s case, the coral. But every hot chick in television needs a sidekick. Although, not just any sidekick, they need one who is slightly worse looking, and slightly less effeminate, so that they looked better by comparison. I want you to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, “Who is the better second hot chick, Tori Scott (Leanna Creel), or Brad Taylor (Kelly Brown)?” Lets compare and contrast the two.

Looks

Both of their haircuts, although awful by today’s standards, were quite crackin’ back in the day. Brad’s luscious locks sat like angel wings settled upon her burgundy “Bar None Dude Ranch,” polo, accentuating her paisley scarf. Her face was a bit rough, but in a real girl way; like she could have been your neighbor that you secretly watched from your bathroom window. Last but not least, those black jeans were like the Simon to her Garfunkel when placed within her maple brown cowboy boots. She was the real deal on the summer-get-away ranch scene.

Tori, on the other hand, was one badass lady. Those shining curls lead any onlooker’s eyes to her “I’m harder than you” leather jacket. That jacket went far beyond your standard zipper, it had a belt loop, and metal looking buttons that obviously served no purpose. This “real deal” coat can only be found at the most hard core of stores, like Hot-Topic. And when her stone-washed jeans were sandwhiched between that wonderful coat and those sweet, black Dr. Martin’s, Oreo found a little competition. When she entered the halls of Bayside High, you could hear the boys’ sighs all the way to Valley.

Attitude

This is where these two ladies became one. They were self-confident and obviously much smarter then Kelly and Melody; hot girls are never intelligent, and kids need to know that at a very young age. What they lacked in looks, they made up for with “In–Yo–Face!” comments to Slater and Ted, and face crushing blows to Screech and Buddy. There is nothing to compare here, they brought the edge that both shows dearly needed.

Career Past-to-Present

If you were asking yourself, “Is that Tori from ‘Saved by the Bell’ in those commercials?” Your answer is HELLS YEAH! Leanna Creel has taken the world of television marketing by storm. She can slang car insurance, pizza, you name it, I never tried pepperoni or drove insured until I saw her ads; that woman can sell. She started her illustrative career as a guest on Growing Pains, and word is that when Leonardo DiCaprio witnessed the playback, he cried himself right into Alan Thicke’s muscular chest, leaving behind a tears-stain shaped like the face of Christ.

Brad on the other hand, had a great, though short run. She appeared in 61 enthralling episodes of “Hey Dude” from 1989 to 1991. Sadly, there is no information about her career over the last 18 years. I was wondering why the world had sucked so badly since I was in the first grade, and now it all makes sense. I heard this recession wouldn’t have occurred, and Osam Bin Laden would have been a folk singer had she been in all 62 episodes that “Hey Dude” recorded. Nice one Nickelodeon… jerks.

In conclusion, I’m hard pressed to say which of these ladies should be called “2nd best of the 2nd hot chicks.” They are both uglier, more badass, and smarter than their shows’ leading ladies. And they both walked with a swagger that said, “Yeah I’m not that hot, but at least I’m on T.V.” Who’s the worst? Well, you’ll have to be the judge of that one, my friend. Good night, and good luck.

Note: Jones Soda is not responsible for the hotness nor lack of hotness for former early 90’s television actors mentioned by Andy Harrington. If Jones were to mention hotness and 90’s television actors in the same sentence we assure you the name Joey Lawrence would be mentioned.

Cory’s Photoshop Time!

Try to figure out which person doesn’t belong. Actually the real optical illusion is there are actually only three people in this picture. One guy was just right clicked and copied twice, the lady missed the boat on the mystic spray ten memo, and that leaves our very own Killa D somewhere in the picture. God bless the North East! Enjoi!

Celebratives

Alan Rickman Richie- The younger brother to Lionel. It's rumored that the 1984 Lionel chart topper "Hello" is actually a cry for help from his estranged younger brother Alan.

Kendra Reynolds-Most known for her show The Girls Next Door, is actually the love baby of Burt Reynolds someone between the timeline of 1978-1987. Both Reynolds are known for their divine wit and killer posterior.

Alfred Streisand-Alf has been an American favorite for sometime now. Like many tragic Hollywood tales, Alf got the looks in the family and Babs couldn’t handle playing second fiddle. Though she’s been able to distance herself from him you can almost see the lost look in her eyes searching for her abandon brother.

Rosie Hutt-Born on the planet Tatooine came to America in the early 80’s in search of a comedic career. Unlike most of our celeb cases, Rosie loves her brother Jabba, but didn’t want to ride his coattails after the great successes he had with the Star Wars series. Recently Rosie has been off-Broadway acting in a local Tatooine theater and planning her momentous comeback.

Tales from The Road

Every company has “that guy”. The names tattooed to their butt cheek may differ and their mode of transportation varies from the 70's Vanagen to a vintage scooter, but we all know the type. Usually these guys tightrope a fine line between moron and complete genius. Definitely the guy you keep your daughter away from at the family company Christmas party. Well we have one too, and his name is:

Stevie's got a working title with the company and somehow finds his way to every badass event. Example: last year’s South By Southwest in Austin Texas. Now SXSW is a film, art, and music festival that is more or less a 72 hour fiesta spilling out of Austin’s 6th street bars and restaurants into the streets. Naturally Stevie Cream blended in like the Jonas Brothers at a night with the Savages.

While perusing the ave Stevie bumped into the likes of Elijah Wood, Perry Farrell of Jane’s Addiction, John Norris from MTV, along with a slew of crazies. Check out these chronicles!

Billionaire Consumer Reports

Tough economic times affect everyone, even eccentric billionaires. Eccentric billionaires are people too, and they aren’t immune to the pressures of an economic depression. So when it comes time to sell off your spare island or take one less trip to outer space this year, one begins to spend their dollar a little smarter. That’s why we at Jones have developed the Billionaire Consumer Report. Because there are plenty of items that crazy richers would love to buy but don’t feel they have the necessary consumer education to make a smart decision. Today’s topic of Billionaire Consumer Report is Transportation.

Item 1: 1984 Falkor- German engineered

Visual Appeal (Faberge Eggs 1-5):

The Falkor has sort of an unkempt retro look and feel to it. Unmistakably unique though it has all the comforts of your family’s golden retriever, yet onlookers know they’re looking at purebred Luckdragon. In dash GPS, no need, Falkor knows every nook and cranny from Fantasia to Finland. He does not come IPOD or CD ready but he’s got kind of a Bruno meets Michael Bublé thing going on.

Performance:

If speed is your number one priority then you might want to look elsewhere, but hey you’re rich, they’ll wait. Travel calmly in the stratosphere with the open air on your face and the heat of a 50 ton hybrid dragon retriever in between your loins. And If you want to travel while laughing hysterically and cheering in a constant state of euphoria, we’ve found your vehicle.

Safety:

Even some of the most outlandish insurance packages don’t cover this Falkor model. With no air bags, seats, seatbelts, or windshield you’re definitely at the mercy of your Luckdragon. An heaven forbid your Luckdragon is sleepy, just had Lasik, or one too many fantasy cocktails because your life is in his...appendages.

X-Factor:

You are driving a mythological creature. An eccentric billionaires must have!

Item 2: 1985 Delorean w/ Flux Capacitor

Visual Appeal:

The Delorean, fully equipped with a manually built Flux Capacitor, is the dream car for anyone with a regrettable past, present, OR future. Its sleek, stainless steel design has been winning over men and women alike for the past 150 years, with its 1.21 gigiwatts of raw, time-traveling power. Just thinking about the joy one would feel from this mid-80’s ride brings the “Power of Love” to anyone’s heart. Plus the addition of the old-school tape player/radio combo pre-tuned to the likes of Van Halen and Huey Lewis and the News gives any driver that feeling that neon, flat-tops and Nike Air Pumps are just around the corner.

Performance:

It’s aerodynamic build and time-traveling functions make for the ideal pleasure cruise. The Delorean reaches a rapid 88-mph with ease, allowing for one to take a leisurely stroll anywhere, from events in one’s own life to the great events in human history, such as Game 5 of the 1995 ALDS as Griffey slid into home plate for the victory, or to witness the first Hot Pocket ever made.

Safety:

True, the Delorean is an exciting vehicle, but one that can include much danger. Some drivers have complained about the unknown arrivals in random destinations coming from out of time-travel. Complaints have ranged anywhere from Old Man Peabody’s pine tree farm to charging Native American tribes on the hunt. The Delorean also attracts chase scenes from angry Libyan terrorist groups and high school gangs including members who will call you “butthead,” where 3-D glasses, and Billy Zane. Also, on the original models, handling nuclear products can be a tricky task if unprepared, and on the newer models, one can never be too careful with stinky garbage. Finally, irreparable damage can be done if one disrupts the space-time continuum (namely ruining your entire photo collection).

X-Factor:

Ultimately, one will get what they pay for, and let’s face it people, this car TRAVELS IN TIME!!! Michael J. Fox has NEVER been cooler than when he drove this car (except maybe while doing multiple back flips on the Wolfmobile), and it comes with a never-ending supply of combustible license plates! Oh yeah, and did I mention Huey Lewis and the News?

Let’s get to know some people in the office!

Jones Soda is a young and diverse company composed of people from all walks of life. To help you understand the brand a little better we want you to know the people behind the bottle. And now in non-predictable fashion we will play a PowerPoint slideshow of our staff smiling around the office and volunteering at charity events while making sure not to put anyone of ethnic diversity back to back in the slideshow so as to appear to have maximum diversity within the office…or we’ll just put embarrassing photo shop pictures of employees on here. We thought you’d like that better.

Claude LeForge-Warehouse Technician

We actually found Claude in the warehouse the day the company started. No one seems to know a lot about his past. He issued us this picture and had us sign a form stating that we would get some sort of tax break.

Doug Jericho-Long Hall Trucker

Doug’s been trucking across the amber waves of grain for ten years now. By 11:00am he’s usually a case of Whoopass deep belting out Bonnie Raitt lyrics in his Big Rig 18-Wheeler up to his arm pits in corndog sticks and bean and cheese burrito wrappers. Doug also set a Guinness Book record for longest trucker honk clear across the state of North Dakota and partially into Montana.

Jimmy Rigatoni-Sales Guru

This man could sell a Fufu Berry popsicle to a woman in white gloves (and did). Jimmy Rigatoni AKA Jimmy Capone has been slanging soda since 1996 as part of the government’s witness relocation err government awesome job placement program.

Judd Friendmaker-International Relations

Judd has been consulting with our Canadian comrades for the last 6 years at Jones Soda Co. Recently he’s gone abroad to land Jones in Ireland, Japan, and Australia. Judd is fluent in over 17 languages, an Eagle Scout, and accomplished pastry chef. Most recently he was Key Note Speaker at the UN Council and is being approached for a book but is holding out due to his distaste for yuppie dribble.

Super Plate XXL5

A Griddle Iron Matchup for the Ages

NSC (National Sandwich Conference) Analyst: Good Friend Ben

Wild Card Round:

(3) California Club vs. (6)The A-train

-While the California Club is a highly popular sandwich and was highly consistent throughout the season, The A-train pulled out a sweet upset because, let’s face it; it sounds DELIGHTFUL! The Sun-dried tomato tapenade was just too much for the mayonnaise, and although CC’s bacon-turkey combo were a tough double-team on the front lines against the A-train’s salami, the Brie was left open all game from the lack of CC’s cheese presence. The big key to the victory was the injury of the avocado early in the game for CC. Once the avocado slipped out of the sandwich and fell on the floor, California Club wasn’t the same again (after all, the California avocado MAKES the California Club).

(4) Philly Cheese Steak vs. (5) Pulled Pork

-The Philly Cheese Steak was in the not-always-so-friendly confines of Philly, and the Cheese Steak does very well in its town of origin. It was a great match-up due to Pulled Pork’s ability to travel; managing to use different game plans and strategies as it travels to different regions (cheese melts, coleslaw, jalapenos, etc.) In the end, thanks to the savory flavor of Pulled Pork combined with delicious BBQ sauces of different levels of spice, the unique coleslaw recipes and devotion from my southern heritage, the Pulled Pork “pulled” out this victory into delicious succulently shredded swine that I devoured shortly afterwards.

Byes: (1) PB&J & (2) Meatball Sub

Divisional Round:

(1)PB&J vs. (6) The A-train

-Peanut Butter & Jelly has been a powerhouse as long as I’ve lived (which is somewhere between 2 and 8,000 years). In a census taken in 2007, approximately 2.8 billion PB&J’s have been made in my residence ALONE since the dawn of time and hardly any other food staple has been so rewarding. The A-train put up quite the showing during the Wild Card Round, but they were really gonna have to pull at trick out of their hat to land the upset against such a perennial championship contender. Unfortunately, all they pulled out of the hat was the song “Tricky” by Run D.M.C. (which is very catchy), but PB&J responded with “Whoop That Trick” from Hustle & Flow and it was all over.

(2) Meatball Sub vs. (5) Pulled Pork

- The Meatball Sub has performed at very high levels for a number of years, from its lowest fast food forms, to the Italian restaurant delights. Let’s face it: meatballs are good. They’re filling, they are covered in delicious sauce, they go great with mozzarella and parmesan cheese, and they allow one to say, even during the most unnecessary times, “Now that’s-a-spicy-a-meat-a-ball!” Unfortunately, Mario and Luigi don’t narrate my Meatball Sub-eating, whereas the best Pulled Pork sandwiches always come from places with great pig mascots such as Three Pigs BBQ in Bellevue (there are THREE of them!) and Corky’s BBQ in Memphis. Pulled Pork is headed to NSC Championship Game while this little Meatball Sub is going wee-wee-wee all the way home.

ASC (American Sandwich Conference) Analyst: Conor

American Sandwich Conference

Wild Card Round:

(3) BLTease Me vs. (6)Thanksgiving Leftover

-This match up is taken by a landslide. Few people realize that while B is amazing, it doesn’t merit an entire sandwich’s basis. B is the sassy kiss to any sandwich but never the foundation. Meanwhile we have created the greatest meal of the year encapsulated in between bread. It’s like putting 4th of July in a box and giving to someone, except for this time I don’t have to do community service. Signed sealed and delivered Thanksgiving Sandwich by a long shot, I’m yours.

(4) Ice Cream Samich vs. (5) BFS

-This one is a little tougher. The initial appeal of the BFS is definitely there. There’s no such thing as over compensating with a sandwich. When I commit to a sandy, especially on the most sacred of Sundays, I want a lengthy and elastic pants necessary experience. The BFS is the Gilbert Brown of sandwiches, simple minded, massive, and surrounded by cheese. But just when you think you’ve got your sandwiches figured out crazy Keith Wisenhunt calls the annexation of Puerto Rico and throws the sexy Ice Cream Samich at you. Lucky BFS keeps it’s cool and rolls through another round.

Byes: (1) G Cheese & (2) Reuben Studdard

Divisional Round:

(1)G Cheese vs. (6) Thanksgiving

-Simple perfection vs holiday gem. This matchup right here is Super Plate worthy in it’s own. We’re looking at the “Steel Curtain” vs: “The greatest show on Turf.” The Thanksgiving leftover sandwich brings every asset of tastiness to the forefront in one contained vessel. Yet does it over shoot it’s mark, sure once a year it reigns supreme but can it out play a seasoned vet. Grilled Cheese shows up every week and at gets the job done. It’s like Novocain, give it time it always works. Some people over estimate grilled cheese because but it evolves as the game does and continues to be a success. Grilled Cheese takes it in the 4th.

(2) Reuben Studdard (5) BFS

- The Reuben is a Bavarian powerhouse of things that end in Kraut and come from cow parts. It’s marble rye staple bread and tangy finish catapults it away from most competition. But hold on a second buddy, the BFS is an American powerhouse that still remembers WWII. Last I checked we’re playing in the American Sandwich Conference so I’m sorry 2004 Mr. Reuben because BFS rolls on with a handle bar mustache and the DVD Box set of Everybody Loves Raymond.

ASC Championship

(1) G Cheese vs. (5) BFS

-Uncle Sam shed a Red White and Blue tear as he headed to the sports book this morning. Like a beautiful second cousin, sometimes decisions are hard to make. As both of these patriotic sandwiches meet in Snack Arena a eerie hush forms over the crowd. Many of us grew up on grilled cheese. Rainy days, late nights, or fussy kids, but the BFS is promise of a new generation. One that stood against the tyranny of single meat slices and single cheese slices on a sandwich. It was at this moment that BFS got too cocky, added too many slices of ham, turkey, pastrami, goat shank, and eel tongue and got away from the purity of the game. And much similar to the Plot of Little Big League and other sports documentaries Grilled Cheese just had fun. By the time BFS new what had hit them Grilled Cheese came back from a 21 point deficit in the 4th quarter to win by a safety created by the kid who at the beginning of the season vowed never to play sandwich football again after killing his Siamese twin in a freak accident.

Super Plate XXL5.

(1) Grilled Cheese vs. (5) Pulled Pork

-Tensions were at an all-time high. Never good anyone predict that 5th seed Pulled Pork could ever be in the Super Plate. Media week would turn out to be a nightmare for Pulled Pork. The Tampa Bay Tribune would expose the pork as originated largely from the rump region of the pig stirring up all sorts of controversy. Grilled Cheese, the obvious favorite throughout the playoffs was calm and prepared come Super Plate Sunday. The day of game was a balmy 76 degrees as the spray painted fans entered snack stadium. This proved to be a disadvantage for the rainy day favorite grilled cheese but this was not of concern to Grilled Cheese head coach and hall of famer Vince Harvati. Grilled Cheese jumped out to a quick 10 point lead shutting them out with their stretchy cheddar defense. But as the game went on, the unconventional and messy defensive play calling of the Pulled Pork began to cause problems for coach Harvati’s front 7. Meanwhile the sweet tangy slow roasted offense continued to excel in the southern heat of Florida and won over the crowd. By the 4 quarter the Grilled Cheese was overcooked and congealed. Pulled Pork had done it! And if you order now you can buy a commemorative sandwich and XXXXL t-shirt to hold on to this memory forever-ever-ever!

Bio Time!

Good Friend Ben:

Soccer style kicker, a former resident of Wayne Manor (when Adam West ran the show), and once the world record holder in being cool, Good Friend Ben has set his sights in more recent years to the art of eating a sandwich. His work at the University of Washington taught him particularly how to master the grilled cheese sandwich for large groups, and his post-graduate work has seen unprecedented combinations of grilled cheese sandwiches and Panini. His creativity with different forms of cheese and assorted spreads has caused his roommates to kneel in awe-inspired glee in his presence and simply shout out in unison, “Hey is Ben making another sandwich?” Good Friend Ben has also traveled the world, eating sandwiches from Seattle to Sorrento, Buenos Aires to Bismarck, and London to England. Due to his extensive travels and vast sandwich-making and eating experience, he has been donned by himself as “Captain of Sandwichtown.” All who do not kneel at his feet, asking for sandwiches, shall be judged accordingly. And let it be on the record that he prefers Judge Reinhold to Judge Dredd, who is not judge, jury and executioner as he so vainly claims.

at the xgames
Blog #2

What a long cold weekend. The X Games are over and it was a crazy one. The highlights were the first ever double backflip on a snow mobile, the double gold 4 peat by Shaun White (who now is the most decorated gold medalist in the history of X Games) and lastly the official "unofficial" launch of our new line of drinks - JONES GABA - and not a moment too soon. This is the perfect drink for athletes that need that mental clarity and focus - especially during a high caliber event such as X Games. The athlete tents were serving JONES GABA all weekend long and it was in high demand. Even the ESPN luxury suite at the bottom of the half pipe had all the GABA flavors in its fridge.

Our athlete Chanelle Sladics couldn't get enough of the GABA and we sent her to the SIA tradeshow in vegas with some of the Fuji Apple and Nectarine. Chanelle is having a great year and these new drinks will fuel her all winter long!!

The RV doesn't like the cold snowy weather and i am stuck on the hwy waiting for the plows to clear the road back thru Vegas to San Diego.

Stay tuned for more updates from our athlete team and the Infamous RV!!

January 23, 2009

January 22, 2009

"Well, its that time again! Winter X Games are here and we are back on the road (we being the Infamous Jones RV and I).

Jones Soda is everywhere here in Aspen. Our snow star athlete Chanelle Sladics, fresh off the Dew Tour taking 3rd in Mt Snow Vt, is on fire and ready to conquer the Womens Slopestyle this weekend. Jones Soda, our 24C and the new and amazing Jones Gaba is in every athlete tent, VIP lounge and green room. The athletes are loving the Gaba especially since they need mental focus more than anyone.

The course this year is the largest and scariest ever built. Seriously. Athletes have been calling it the "Video Game Course" because it looks animated and scary. The final jump puts the athletes 60 feet high and they have to clear a 70 ft gap!!
Already some of the top women competitors injured themselves during practice and wont be in the contest. You have to watch ESPN this weekend and cheer on Chanelle!

Last night the V Foundation for Cancer Research and Boarding for Breast Cancer (B4BC) joined forces as beneficiaries of the Winter X Games 13 Kick-Off Bash.
The one-of-a-kind charity event was a chance to mingle with Winter X Games 13 athletes, listen to a special musical performance by professional snowboarder and longtime Winter X Games competitor Tara Dakides, bid on silent auction items — including an autographed Jake Burton snowboard, autographed Tony Hawk Skateboard, Limited Edition Winter X Games 13 Fender Telecaster and lastly the chance to get a photo on a national label run!!

Below is Justine Chiara, executive director, Boarding for Breast Cancer showing the Jones prize some love!! Thanks Justine! Where's my glove??"" Stay tuned as there is more to come- its only day 1!!!!! " saturday ESPN watch your athlete Chanelle!

January 22, 2009